A Better Way to Connect: Moving Beyond “What Do You Do?”

Conversation starters can be tricky, especially when trying to get to know someone new. One common question we often fall back on is— what do you do? While it’s well-intentioned, it can sometimes make people feel judged or uncomfortable, particularly those on non-traditional paths or career breaks.

This makes us wonder how we can connect more meaningfully and move beyond defining each other by our jobs or daily roles.  According to the Wall Street Journal, this four-word question often carries hidden layers of judgment. It seems to evaluate not just a person’s occupation but also their social status, income, and overall worth in a conversation.

For those outside the traditional workforce, answering “What do you do?” can feel like they’re being placed into boxes of societal expectations.  Similarly, career-changers, particularly young people, might feel pressured to justify their choices, as they’re often perceived as not having a stable direction.

Gig workers and retirees face similar scrutiny, where their contribution to society might be unfairly questioned or undervalued. The article brings up how women, in particular, have long dealt with the discomfort of this question.

Professional women who paused their careers to raise children often report feeling invisible and ignored in social settings, as if their role as a caregiver is not significant enough. This leaves many women feelings that their entire identity is reduced to the career they left behind.

But in today’s world, people lead much richer lives than what their job title suggests. The way we connect and understand one another should reflect that. There are better ways to approach conversations that don’t revolve around career or status. Simple changes in how we engage with others can make a big difference.

So, how do we move beyond this outdated question and foster more meaningful conversations? Here are five ways to approach it.

Ask about interests, not jobs. Instead of “What do you do?”, try asking, “What are you passionate about these days?” or “What do you enjoy doing?” These questions open the door to more engaging conversations about hobbies, personal growth, and passions.

Acknowledge different life paths. Show curiosity about the other person’s journey. For example, you could ask, “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” or “How have you been spending your time?” These questions recognize that people lead rich lives, regardless of whether they’re working in a traditional sense.

Focus on shared experiences. Instead of honing in on career-related questions, find common ground by asking about recent travels, books they’ve read, or challenges they’ve faced. This way, the conversation becomes more about connection than comparison.

Encourage storytelling. Invite people to share the story behind their current chapter, whether it involves work, family, or personal projects. Storytelling adds depth to the conversation and helps both parties understand each other beyond job titles.

Celebrate non-traditional roles. Embrace and appreciate the diversity of people’s roles, whether they are caregivers, freelancers, or retirees. Every role is valuable and contributes to society in different ways.

By shifting our perspective and the questions we ask, we can help eliminate the discomfort that comes from reducing a person’s identity to their job. Instead, we can foster conversations that celebrate the full range of experiences and passions that make someone who they are.

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